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EXCLUSIVE: To do or not to do: Teaching your child to make informed choices
A parent shares her perspective on the matter.
As a parent, one of the biggest dilemmas I face is around the question of freedom of choice. My children are embarking on various stages of young adulthood, and I still grapple with questions like, “What if they make the wrong choices and get hurt?”
Learning how to make good choices is a life skill and I find that it helps to teach them this skill by letting them practice it in situations appropriate for their age. With my children, I started out pretty early, letting them make small choices in their daily lives and making sure they understood how to reason and think through their choices. Then, it was all about helping them understand how consequences work and the importance of sticking to a choice, once it was made. This process remains the same, even though the choices have gotten more complex and weighted as they grew older.
I find that the science of making a good decision is all about weighing logic and reasoning with one’s personal preferences, compassion, morality and learned intuition. I would ask my child to imagine what would happen if they chose A over B. If the situation feels overwhelming, I always encourage them to make a list of pros and cons and to consider which decision would be the least disadvantageous. I think this sorted of guided reasoning process really helps the child make an informed choice. The earlier you let your child engage with the decision-making process, the more ingrained it becomes, and that’s where intuition comes into play. Sometimes discussing one’s own experiences in decision making can also be a good learning tool.
Especially as they’ve grown older, I’ve felt that the parent goes from being the person who tells what the right choices are, to be a facilitator who guides them in a direction that is good for them, but ultimately, lets the young adult chose for themselves. With my children, I’ve felt that the main goal is to guide them toward making a well-informed decision in any given situation. One always hopes that things will work out, but even if they don’t, it’s alright. This is one of the toughest things to do as a parent – to quieten our protective instincts enough to let them learn from their choices and truly accept that it will be okay. In fact, this is something for which my objective side is still training the mother in me.
Good decision-makers require skills such as balanced opinions, self-confidence, analytical thinking, empathy and thoughtfulness. One teaches them to keep their eyes and ears open and to consider a problem from multiple perspectives before arriving at a decision. I’ve always believed that decision making doesn’t happen in silos; it’s always relative to the context of the situation at hand.
As children grow up, one must start to take a step back and let them fly with their own wings. But when is the right time and the right age to do so? Every child is unique, and they grow and learn at their own pace. Also, it is a process, a process of growing up for them and a process of learning to step back. Both of you will evolve and come to that common ground, eventually and over time. This doesn’t imply that you should take your hands off the wheel completely. I would strongly believe that one needs to be fully involved in the child’s life and have a helicopter view of what they’re going through. This way, you’re always in the know and you can step in and guide them when needed.
As I’ve learnt over the years, life is a game of choices – some you’ll get right and some in hindsight you’ll regret. You are a product of the choices you make. In the beginning, you make choices. In the end, your choices make you.
About the author: Shared on behalf of Mrs. Neerja Birla, Founder & Chairperson, Mpower.
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