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36 Questions to Fall in Love, And How to Use Them on Your Dates
These “36 questions to fall in love” are here to help you establish a deeper connection and intimacy with your date (or ex-lover). Find out how to use them!
Imagine you’re on your fourth date with this guy you met on a dating app. You know most superficial things about each other by now, have exhausted your inventories of pick-up lines, and can see right through each other’s flirting styles, which makes it less fun. But you really like this guy and don’t want to let things fade out. So, what do you do? You ask each other the ever-popular 36 questions to fall in love, and suddenly, you realize how many windows of conversation starters have opened up in a jiffy!
If you’ve never heard of these before, allow us to summarize. The popular “36 questions” game is a 3-set compilation of questions designed by psychologist Dr. Arthur Aron, in collaboration with Dr. Elaine Aron and their team of researchers in the 1990s, which claims to establish instant intimacy and connection between two strangers. While this set of questions wasn’t developed exclusively for romantic relationships, they are a hot topic in the world of dating, and more and more people with an active dating life are tapping its potential.
Now, more than “questions that will make you fall in love,” these can be seen as 36 questions to increase feelings of closeness and warmth between two people (or, as per the confident claim of the test, between two strangers). This question game can be used as a tool to humanize dates so that the superficial drudgeries of having small talk with someone don’t make potential romantic partners lose interest in each other. It aims to make a person seem less like an unattainable “object of one’s desires” and more like a human that exudes warmth and comfort.
So, considering all the claims around these 36 questions, the real question arises is whether these work in practice. The short answer — yes! Keep reading to understand exactly how these questions work.
How Do the 36 Questions Work?
Each set in this compilation of questions is different from the other and works differently in bringing people closer. Let’s understand how they work.
Set No. 1:
The first one sets the tone and allows the two partners to warm up to each other. These questions are lighthearted, less intimate, and adequately random, which keeps things interesting.
Set No. 2:
The second set comprises more hypothetical questions, which allow one to understand the priorities and motivators of their partners and how they would respond to a situation. It also allows you to understand your partner’s relations with their friends, family, etc., and to understand whether you two have similar priorities in life or not. This helps one visualize what it would be like living with their partners under one roof.
Set No. 3:
Coming to the most revered and complex one of the three. You will notice that some questions in this set are very open-ended; for eg, question no. 26. It is interesting to see that with the world of different responses that a person can give for that question, which one it is that they choose to go ahead with, and why?
At the same time, this set comprises very deep love questions that many people are usually afraid to ask. Some people (users on Reddit, Quora, and other online forums) have even reported anecdotes where they teared up at this set. Hence, amongst all three, this is the set that fosters most empathy and vulnerability, working to bring people closer.
Like any psychological theory that aims to condense, categorize, and formulate things (MBTI, the Big Five, Johari Window, etc., to name a few), the “36 questions to make you fall in love” have also received their share of criticism. Many people claim that these questions force a superficial sense of intimacy among people, which does not necessarily result in lasting love.
“These questions help partners build a stronger emotional bond, which can lay the groundwork for deeper feelings, but falling in love is a complex process influenced by many factors beyond these questions,” says our contributor Amanda, a well-known love and intimacy coach.
To address that, all we can say is that one should have realistic expectations from the questions and should not try to force a sense of companionship on anyone. Besides, there is no restriction on keeping the answers short and less intense, leaving room for future conversations and keeping the romantic connection more authentic. And, while the question set can seem too intense for perfect strangers, partners can definitely try this out after a couple of dates, or exes can use it to rekindle their relationship.
Read More: 100+ Great Questions to Ask to Get to Know Someone Better
Now that we understand how these questions work, let’s learn how to use the 36 questions that lead to love.
How to Use the 36 Questions to Fall in Love?
1. Know When to Use Them
While these questions were designed to make “two strangers” fall in love, anecdotal evidence from users around the world suggests that this test may foster premature intimacy among two individuals, which makes things uncomfortable and awkward really quick.
Many people have felt that taking these questions with people on the first date itself makes them lose control of the situation, leaving them feeling that they have no choice but to proceed with a relationship. After all, who wants to reject or be rejected by someone after getting seriously personal and vulnerable with them, right?
Hence, in our opinion, you should wait at least till your third or fourth date before you take up these questions to ask your partner. That way, you will have some idea about whether you’re interested in the person, and whether you’d like to see this blooming into a relationship.
2. Personalize Them If Needed
Many of us may argue that to truly understand whether these 36 questions work, one needs to use them as they as — untampered. That’s why, this tip is not for everyone. However, if you do feel that certain questions are not very relevant to you, or to the stage you are in with your partner, feel free to tweak them a bit.
Another excellent way to personalize this is to pick just one set of questions at one time and leave the next for the next date. Don’t feel pressured to wrap these questions up in 45 minutes (which is the estimated time for the questions in a single go). By proceeding set by set, you can prevent feelings of “forced vulnerability” and take things at your own pace.
3. Keep Your Answers Short And Crisp:
Most people trying out these questions will not be in a position wherein they feel ready to bring up really deep and intense topics about their personal life — and, that’s a good thing! It is never a good idea to open up too much before you feel ready to, and then, feel uncomfortable about how much your partner knows already.
It also feels strange when your partner shares too much information, making you feel that you’re obliged to be extra nice and accommodating of them, especially when you haven’t committed to doing so, yet. So, to tackle this while also enjoying the 36 questions, consider keeping your answers short, touching only the surface of the whole story underneath it.
By doing this, you not only save yourself from tearing up on the date and unraveling too much of your vulnerable side but also have enough follow-up questions to instill curiosity for the next few dates.
Read More: 150 Most Revealing Speed Dating Questions to Help You Decide
Now that we’ve discussed how to use the 36 questions to fall in love correctly, let’s understand how exactly they would benefit us and why they are worth giving a try.
What Are the Benefits of the Structured 36 Questions?
1. Makes It Easier to Be Vulnerable:
As a society, we’ve been conditioned to have a natural aversion towards vulnerability when it comes to the early stages of dating. We all want to seem cool, confident, and ambiguous, as we think that showing our vulnerable sides would push our partner away from us. And, that couldn’t be more wrong!
Relationship experts agree on the fact that vulnerability fosters intimacy and fondness between two people. While this could apply to any relationship, it is especially true in romantic relationships. These 36 questions help people who are emotionally reserved to let go of any barriers to closeness, as you can always blame it on the questions when the conversation gets uncharacteristically intimate.
2. Makes the Conversation Flow Gradually:
These questions are structured in a certain way for a reason. It helps regulate the conversation like a joystick, ensuring you don’t share too much or too little (when it is too soon or too late), while also inculcating curiosity and interest. This makes people feel more interested in a person than they were, to begin with, and opens up a world of things to talk about on the following dates.
3. Keeps You from Asking Something “Too Soon”
There’s a strong reason why the question about “inviting an exotic guest to a dinner party of one’s fantasy” is in the first set, whereas the question about “when was the last time one cried” is in the third set.
These questions prohibit one from asking something too personal too soon and establish a smooth flow in the conversation — something that may not be the case if the conversation is very unstructured and free-flowing. This is great to allow people who are usually awkward on dates to feel more comfortable and make the best of it.
Having discussed what these 36 questions are, how to use them correctly, and what their benefits are, it’s time to jump right into the questions.
36 Questions to Fall in Love
Set I
1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Set II
13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
16. What do you value most in a friendship?
17. What is your most treasured memory?
18. What is your most terrible memory?
19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
20. What does friendship mean to you?
21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Set III
25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ..."
26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ..."
27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?
34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Love doesn’t flourish as conveniently as they show in rom-coms. It all starts with many awkward firsts and meaningful conversations to get to know each other better. Until then, you never know if you’re truly compatible with someone. The “36 questions to fall in love” are an excellent tool to figure this out, so that you don’t dismiss potential partners simply because you haven’t gotten a chance to know them well.
We really hope you try these questions out on your next date or use them to make sparks fly with your ex-lover. Either way, there’s nothing to lose from trying these out!
Contributor: Amanda Leigh Doueihi - Love and intimacy coach
