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100+ Funny Marriage Quotes to Tickle Couples And Newlyweds
Discover a collection of 100+ funny marriage quotes to bring laughter into your relationship! Every couple will relate to these quirky and witty insights!
While marriage is a beautiful journey, it is a major life change and can be overwhelming to embark on! However, like for anything else, humor eases the anxiety. This is where our collection of 100+ funny marriage quotes come into the picture — they’re great solace for newlyweds and seasoned partners alike. These include witty observations, playful jabs, and eccentric advice for married couples that would resonate with them and lighten the mood. Scroll away and have a great laugh!
Funny Marriage Quotes from Popular Culture
1. "Marriage is like a tense, unfunny version of Everybody Loves Raymond; it lasts forever." — Knocked Up
2. "A wedding marks the first day of the rest of your life. You have been dead until now." — Bride Wars
3. "I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out." — When Harry Met Sally
4. "If you're thinking of getting married, you might as well learn right now that you have to let women be women." — Hello, Dolly!
5. "Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid, you don't deserve to be in love." — A Lot Like Love
6. "I love you. That's why I make you miserable." — Real Women Have Curves
7. "Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she's there." — Everybody Loves Raymond
8. "Webster's Dictionary defines wedding as 'the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.' You guys are two medals." — The Office
9. "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." — Harry Burns, When Harry Met Sally
10. "She's your lobster. Lobsters fall in love and mate for life." — Friends
11. "The first draft of my vows clocked in at around 70 pages." — Parks And Recreation
12. "Marriage is the ‘Jack Kevorkian’ of romance." — The Story of Us
13. "I think anybody who falls in love is a freak; it's a form of socially acceptable insanity." — Her
14. "Did you know that the institution of marriage was created when the average person lived to 30?" — The Last Kiss
15. "I am, as ever, in bewildered awe of anyone who makes this kind of commitment." — Four Weddings And a Funeral
16. "Marriages don't work when one partner is happy and the other is miserable." — Forget Paris
17. "People are weird. When we find someone with weirdness that is compatible with ours, we call it love." — Dr. Seuss
18. "When you love someone as much as I love you, getting married is the only thing left to do." — Definitely, Maybe
19. "Husbands are like wine; they take a long time to mature." — Letters to Juliet
20. "We were perfectly happy until we decided to live happily ever after." — Sex And the City
21. "The things you have done for me go above and beyond what any person deserves." — Parks And Recreation
22. "If you're ever with a girl that's too good for you, marry her." — Valentine’s Day
23. "I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure that I'm arranging." — J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit
24. "A man doesn't know what happiness is until he's married. By then it's too late." — The Joker is Wild
25. "Remember, we're madly in love, so it's alright to kiss me anytime." — The Hunger Games
26. "In my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are." — Juno
27. "You both said, 'I do!' and you haven't agreed on a single thing since." — So I Married an Axe Murderer
28. "But the thing is this, after a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh." — Sex And the City
29. "(To marry again) is the victory of optimism over experience." — The Private Life of Henry VIII
Funny Marriage Quotes by Famous People
30. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
31. "Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it's because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner — just so they can have the last word." — Janet Periat
32. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times — always with the same person.” — Mignon McLaughlin
33. “The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.” — Ann Bancroft
34. "Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." — Billy Connolly
35. “To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”— Ogden
36. “Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; marriage is also three-meals-a-day and remembering to carry the trash out.” — Joyce Brothers
37. “I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored.” — Cameron Esposito
38. “In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” — Rita Rudner
39. "When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason." — Molly McGee
40. “Before I got married, I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories.”— John Wilmot
41. “To keep your marriage brimming; with love in the loving cup… Whenever you’re wrong admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” — Ogden Nash
42. "Love is a two-way street constantly under construction." — Carroll Bryant
43. "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
44. “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” — Benjamin Franklin
45. “By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates
46. “Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there.” — George Burns
47. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”— Groucho Marx
48. "Marriage is like a graph: It has its ups and downs and as long as things bounce back up again, you've got a good marriage." — Julie Andrews
49. “Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.”— Katherine Hepburn
50. “An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.”— Agatha Christie
51. “One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes, I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’”— Michelle Obama
52. “Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time.” — Chris Rock
53. “A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked.” — LeAnn Rimes
54. “You know there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time… Husband!” — Bill Maher
55. “Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need in the beginning is two hearts and a diamond. After 10 years you need a club and spade.” — Carrie
56. “My wife is a psychologist… Not only does she know when I’m being a jerk, but she knows exactly what type of jerk I’m being.” — Lee Judge
57. “The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.” — Oscar Wilde
58. “We got married: society’s solution to loneliness, lust and laundry.” — George Cockcroft
59. “Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.” — Megan Mullally
60. “Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night.” — St. Jerome
61. “Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.” — Mae West
62. “Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature.” — Donatella in Letters to Juliet
63. “When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” — Prince Philip
64. “My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” — Henry Youngman
65. "Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” — Mickey Rooney
66. “Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.” — Jerry Seinfeld
67. "I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." — Rita Rudner
68. “Marriage is a blast. Like a bomb.” — Julieanne O’Connor
69. “What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” — Cindy Garner
70. “Marriage is all about fun, love, and agreeing on whose turn it is to do the dishes.” — Melanie White
71. “There are a hundred paths through the world that are easier than loving. But who wants it easier?” — Mary Oliver
Funny Marriage Quotes for Newlyweds
72. “In marriage, to keep the fire burning, you sometimes have to light a candle – because you forgot to pay the electric bill again.”
73. “A funny marriage quote for the ages: ‘You can either be right, or you can be happily married.'”
74. “Marriage teaches you loyalty, patience, understanding, and a lot of other things you wouldn’t need if you’d stayed single.”
75. “They say in marriage, you’re in it for better or for worse. So, when’s this ‘better’ part coming in?”
76. “‘For better or worse’ – but let’s aim for better, because I’ve seen your worse and I’ve rethought some things.”
77. “Behind every great marriage is a surprising amount of… coffee. Definitely coffee.”
78. “A happy marriage is a union of two good forgivers, and even better at forgetting where the chocolate is hidden.”
79. “Marry someone who laughs at the same things you do — or at least finds your inability to cook amusing.”
80. “They say marriage is all about compromise. If that’s true, can someone explain why we always watch my wife’s TV shows?”
81. “You know you’re married when ‘You hang up first’ turns into ‘You do the dishes.'”
82. “In my house, I’m the boss. My wife is just the decision-maker.”
83. “A man in love is incomplete until he’s married. Then he’s finished.”
84. “If at first, you don’t succeed… try doing it the way your wife told you!”
85. “The best way to remember anniversaries is to forget one — just once!”
86. “A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.”
87. “Never laugh at your spouse’s choices. You’re one of them.”
88. “The three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.”
89. “In marriage, to avoid conflict, one must master the art of nodding, smiling, and pretending to listen.”
90. “Marriage teaches you that even when you’re right, you’re just quietly right.”
91. “Marriage is basically just whispering, ‘Are you awake? I need to show you this cat video.'”
92. “You may be married, but you don't have to grow up! Congratulations on your wedding!”
93. “Congratulations! Now you're one — one bed, one remote, one bathroom! Congratulations on your union as life partners!”
94. “People stay married because they want to, not because the doors are locked. May you have many wonderful years ahead!”
95. “I knew you two were madly in love with each other but didn’t think that you’d be mad enough to marry. Have a great life ahead.”
96. “No amount of wishes or luck will protect you from the painful life of slavery you are about to start as a husband. Congratulations anyway.”
97. “You fantasize about lovely and beautiful things for your marriage; soon you will dream about living alone surrounded by motionless hands of time. Just kidding. Enjoy your wedding.”
98. “You are actually shown some respect when priests ask you to say ‘I do.’ Else it’s not that you have any other choice either. Happy married life ahead!”
99. “In the circus of life, you may have lived like a lion so far. But your wife, the new circus master, will tame you into a domesticated cat in no time. Good luck with your tightrope act.”
100. “Marriage marks the end of a love story and the start of a wrestling match. Wishing you the very best of everything anyway.”
101. “It’s like paying EMIs of your under-construction house. But here you keep paying EMIs for your entire life and never even get to say a word. Wishing you a happy married life!”
102. “You are so excited to make your partner happy and loved always. Then you will find out that you did nothing but annoy each other instead. Congratulations!”
103. “Well, now it’s the beginning of the end for you. No more beers, no more night out with the guys but at least you have a loving wife. Congrats!”
104. “You haven’t just tied the knot with your wife today; you have tied ropes on your legs too. Congratulations on your wedding. The only difference between marriage and stupidity is that marriage is expensive while stupidity comes free of cost. Congratulations on being expensively stupid.”
105. “Guess you two were madly in love with each other. From now onward it would just be madness. Happy married life.”
106. “Congratulations on your wedding day… I haven’t bothered buying you both a present. It would just be something else to fight over when you get divorced!”
107. “Knowing the entrepreneurial couple that you are, I was wondering if you could give me some insider tips so I can place my bets on how long you both will last. Congratulations on getting hitched.”
108. “Getting married is a two-way street – do all you can to avoid head-on collisions. A life loved is precious.”
109. “A successful marriage relies heavily on communication. No matter who is right or who is wrong. It's about who can concoct the most persuasive contention!”
110. “Marriage is said to be about giving and receiving. Give your spouse a hard time and take all the credit for being right. Everyone benefits from this.”
111. “The most important rule of marriage is this: Life and wife are happy. And if the wife is unhappy, just keep giving her chocolate until she forgets what was bothering her!”
112. “Do you want to keep your marriage's romance alive? Make breakfast in bed a surprise for your spouse. A toaster waffle and a cup of coffee constitute breakfast. Isn't the thought what matters?”
113. “Continuously recall, in marriage, compromise is fundamental. Thus, if your life partner needs to watch a heartfelt film, split the difference by allowing them to watch it single-handedly while you make up for lost time with your sporting event!”
114. “Laughter has been touted as the best remedy, and this is true in marriages as well. Therefore, make it a daily habit to crack jokes at each other. It's a great way to maintain love and laughter!”
115. “Keep in mind, marriage resembles a long-distance race. Thus, ensure you're consistently one stride ahead by concealing the television remote. It is certain to keep your spouse following you!”
116. “Even if you are unable to identify what you did wrong, apologize and ask your spouse to explain. It keeps peace and saves time!”
In addition to meaningful advice and a listening ear, humor can be a great way to soothe the anxiety of married couples. It can help them navigate the perks and challenges of married life and embrace them all with grace. The above-mentioned funny marriage quotes help with that! As you’ve already read, they’re filled with quirky remarks, witty observations, wordplay, and weird advice to survive married life (PS: Don’t actually take that advice!). These goofy quotes are perfect to make you chuckle and spit out your drink!
