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How to Communicate with an Avoidant Partner Without Pushing Them Away
Explore scientifically accurate popularised strategies of how to communicate with an avoidant partner and illuminate the flickering spark in your relationship.
You are not alone in trying to understand how to communicate with an avoidant partner better — relationships with avoidant partners can be challenging due to the wounding and insecure style of attachment involved. After all, anyone can be thrown off if they find their partner suddenly withdrawing emotionally or bringing up doubts about commitment and find themselves concerned about their partner's mental health.
However, simply because you are in a relationship with an avoidant partner does not mean it's all doom and gloom — you can certainly have a loving and healthy relationship by working on the communication style you practice with each other.
Avoidant people tend to be extremely insecure and intimidated by the presence of people, but they seek ways to satisfy their needs without being dependent on any extrinsic source and hence are viewed as people with high levels of self-esteem.
While overtly anxious folks people tend to raise doubts about their self-worth, and securely attached people do not make any room for nervousness and insecurity in their minds, avoidants seek a considerable degree of comfort before making the first step towards effective communication.
The occurrence of an avoidant attachment style of behavior is the outcome of a series of negligence that happened over the years, starting from childhood. So, it is important to understand that avoidants are not necessarily intentionally cold and emotionless — they have built themselves up that way as a survival strategy.
Common examples of avoidant behavior include an individual trying to escape moments of intimacy, not expressing love, having difficulty trusting their partners, and dodging conversations about commitment.
This constant detachment from your bae can often trigger self-doubt about your self-worth and may tarnish the emotional connection between you and your partner but the good news here is that avoidants do care for affection secretively, thus there is some hope at the end of the tunnel.
What Is Avoidant Attachment?
The term “avoidant attachment” in simple terms refers to a style of insecure attachment that is characterized by extreme self-reliance and difficulty with being emotionally vulnerable. The root of this often lies in former relationships with a history of negligence primarily from near and dear ones. Hence, avoidants tend to see rejection from their loved ones as a threat and face difficulty with emotional expression.
Before you get on to the guide on how to communicate with an avoidant partner effectively, it is important to understand avoidants distance themselves from their loved ones and use deactivation strategies to make their minds believe that socially distancing themselves is the best way to eliminate an emotional showdown.
However, avoidants generally tend to be invariably drawn to overtly anxious people because avoidants secretly crave affection and the silence and withdrawal behavior of an avoidant tends to trigger the anxiety of overtly anxious folks — hence plenty of push and pull dynamic and breakdown in communication becomes part of the relationship.
A series of consistent efforts along with an understanding of how and when to talk to someone with avoidant attachment, can help thaw the ice that has hardened over the years.
It is also important to understand that the breakdown of an unspoken silence between two people is not a one-night affair. Effective communication and empathy remain the stalwart traits of this approach which is a process.
The attraction between the anxious and the avoidant may resemble a tug-of-war of equal strengths, but by taking one step at a time with the foundation of effective communication, you can help the avoidant partner break through their shell rather than remain within it forever.
23 Effective Ways to Communicate with an Avoidant Partner Effectively
1. Understand the Avoidance of Your Partner
Avoidants desire to find solitude with themselves because they have an inert fear of being outcast or left alone in the future. They prefer to dissociate themselves from the first day to avoid this vulnerability from being exposed. Therefore, it is important to understand their inert need for affection and plan steps accordingly.
2. Offer Them a Secure Base to Open Up
Often avoidants have been denied love from sources where they expected it the most. Hence, romantic relationships may overwhelm an avoidant individual in the initial phase. Apart from quality time, an avoidant needs a secure environment to open up about their insecurities and feelings. To strike an emotional connection with an avoidant, it is important to offer them a secure environment and a feeling of no-judgment to help them open up. Avoidants do not want to be seen as weak or vulnerable, so when they are being vulnerable and sharing, it is important to hold that place securely for them and make them feel seen, heard, and validated
3. Show Your Appreciation for What They Do for You
Avoidant people tend to get easily triggered and are very vulnerable to criticism. They are subconsciously looking for someone who makes them feel valued. Hence, the simplest answer to the question of how to make an avoidant miss you or trust you with themselves is by complimenting them for the tiniest efforts they take towards accentuating their self-love and caring for people around them. These instances make them feel loved and gradually help bridge the gap in your relationship.
4. Understand Their Anger and Burnout
Avoidants often use anger as a defense mechanism to deal with tight-spot situations in romantic relationships. Hence, you need to understand that this behavior of your partner is hardwired and will take time to heal. So try not to take your partner's anger and burnout personally as this may lead fault lines to widen on the foundation of your relationship.
5. Do not Feel Disheartened by Your Partner's Dissociated Approach
Your avoidant partner may need plenty of space to regulate themselves. If you find them pulling away just when you thought things were going all smooth, try not to take it personally.
The closeness may have triggered their inner fears of rejection and hence, they may wish to dissociate and distance themselves till they get a “handle” on the situation. Your best approach would be to focus attention on yourself and reassure them that you are available.
6. Focus on Your Needs without Blame or Judgement
Feeling left out by a loved one can be heart-wrenching. But here it is for the other partner to understand that it is your disassociated partner who also needs help, and is in a much more vulnerable state. Instead of focusing on individual needs, or coming at them from a place of blame or judgment, let them know how you feel and what you need in the relationship.
7. Do Not Try to Control Them
You may feel inclined to control and direct your avoidant partner but it will only serve to push them further away. Instead, provide support for the decisions they make and create an atmosphere where they can experience positive feelings of love, kindness empathy, and warmth.
8. Set Healthy Boundaries Around Personal Space
Avoidants may feel guilty about taking too much time for themselves when in a relationship, even if they know internally that they cannot function well without their much-needed alone time. A good way to navigate this is by setting boundaries around individual space — offer to spend time by yourself so that they understand that it is fine if they do too.
9. Avoid Interrupting Them When They Seem Engrossed
A good way to respect their alone time is by asking them when they are available and keeping anything you want to discuss with them on hold. Alternatively, you can wait till they have finished what they were engaged in and then ask if the present is a good time to engage in some discussion. This does not threaten their boundary and ensures that you have their full, dedicated attention.
10. Have Patience
As the saying goes, “Rome was not built in a day”, rather than telling your partner the effort undertaken by you to keep the communication in the relationship alive. Allow your partner the space to naturally reciprocate your feelings rather than demanding and being interrogative about their lack of response.
11. Avoid Being Clingy
Avoidants need to feel needed but do not respond well to clinginess in relationships. Instead of coming across as desperate and needy, try to be assertive and expressive of your feelings, thoughts, and needs. The trick is to express your desires but also have the self-worth to be able to flow away from the situation or the relationship if the need arises.
12. Do Not Demand their Attention When You Sense Evident Signs of Disinterest
The most evident signs of disinterest can be through eye rolls, being engrossed elsewhere, or just walking off to avoid any conversation. During such difficult times, it is important to allow your partner the space to be with themselves rather than forcing them to be in the moment and acknowledge your presence.
13. Learn to Slightly Dissociate from Your Partner
Focus on your self-growth, and cultivate new hobbies to develop a diverse personality. Your partner is just a part of your world and not entirely your world. Your avoidant partner will then begin to sense your lack of presence and then make attempts to communicate with you.
14. Be the Go-to Person in the Relationship
The question of “how to deal with avoidant attachment” is best answered by curating an impeccable medium of trust between two people. Try to take hold of situations when they are in your control and give your partner the feeling of 'I am there'. That is when your partner will slowly start opening up about their fears and look forward to reaching out to you whenever he needs help.
15. Treat Them with Respect
During days when your partner dissociates from you, it is vital to understand they might be doing it out of some unsaid reason that they wish to keep to themselves. As human beings, we all tend to crave some warmth and affection, your partner is no different. Give them a hug even when they don't ask for it, respect their choices, and most importantly do not try to influence your thought process on them as they may feel an intrusion into their thought process.
16. Always Ask Before Making a Decision
Whether you wish to plant a kiss on your bae’s cheeks, plan a road trip to a secluded location, or even invite your neighbors for a Thanksgiving lunch, always consider taking your partner's opinion. It will help your partner understand that you value his presence and his consent before making any decision, whether it is big or small.
17. Toss Away Negative Affirmations
When you tell yourself and believe that your partner is not anti-social or evil and means well for you and the relationship, you are programming your mind to be a little more considerate and more well-versed at communicating and empathizing effectively. This empathy shall manifest in the form of an unexpressed, quiet understanding that shall grow stronger between the two of you as the years roll by.
18. Do Not Compare and Complain
Your avoidant partner may be least interested in going out trekking during a long weekend and flaunting social media-worthy clicks while you parasail in the lands of Honolulu. This dissociative behavior is hard-wired and has been built over the years and will need time to decompose. Therefore, instead of complaining about their lack of enthusiasm, compliment them about the efforts made by them to nurture the relationship.
19. Be Vocal About What You Expect from Them
Reconnecting with a dismissive avoidant may seem like a herculean task, as there might be a fear of being met with deadly stares and deafening outbursts. Thus, wait for the right moment and express your expectations from the relationship, as avoidants tend to be very bad at picking up hints when you wear that lovely dress. Go and ask them upfront about their opinion rather than wearing an overtly revealing dress and pieces of tinkling jewelry and simply lingering around them and waiting for them to notice.
20. Set Realistic Expectations
For avoidants, breaking through the little world they have built for themselves is a real hustle. Your avoidant partner may opt out for a silent night while everyone is partying hard on Halloween.
Understand and accept the fact that two people need not be in alignment. It is this contrast in your relationship that makes it different from others. Keep the flow of communication transparent and help your partner identify with your expectations in the relationship.
21. Try to Listen to Their Expectations
The avoidance exerted by your partner is a result of a denial of affection over the years. Therefore, avoidants usually keep their thoughts to themselves, and it is important to listen well, to apprehend better and enhance the quality of your relationship.
22. Do Not Throw Yourself at an Avoidant Partner
Holding onto one's intimacy needs when one feels extremely low and defeated is a struggle for real. However, it is important not to be very susceptible and hungry for your partner's affection as it would instill a fear of dependence within your partner and widen the existing fault lines. To keep the intimacy away from flickering, it is necessary to indulge in activities of common interests to enhance engagement among yourself.
23. Detach to Deliver Better in Your Relationship
Many people feel blacked out and remain shrouded in anxiety when their partners withdraw from them. They do not understand what to do when an avoidant pulls away. In such a situation, it is wise to spend some time away from each other and later get back to working together toward your combined relationship goals. A break without the intimidating presence of your partner provides clarity and makes the other person understand how your lack of presence is affecting the overall environment.
Conclusion
For all those who are looking for ways “how to communicate with an Avoidant partner ?” can help their partners immensely by just being patient listeners. As all good things in nature take time, communication with an avoidant is no different. However, it is important to have faith in your consistent efforts and a need to retain your patience during this hour of trial.
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