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151 Marriage Jokes to Keep Your Marriage Hilariously Healthy
Add some laughter to your marriage with 151 marriage jokes ranging from sarcastic and punny to adult comedy. Discover them all here and keep the spark alive!
Sure, people talk about intimacy and romance to keep the spark alive, but a good laugh can work wonders too. Humor is the glue that keeps people attracted to each other. Sharing a joke with your spouse can lift the weight off your shoulders and bring some joy into your life. And let's face it, with all the responsibilities that come with being a couple, a bit of light-heartedness with these jokes can go a long way.
So take a break from the serious stuff and share a laugh with your significant other. We've got 151 marriage jokes to tickle your funny bone and bring joy to your relationship. It's a fun way to begin the day with a smile and some light-heartedness. And who knows, the memories you create laughing at these jokes might just become your most treasured ones.
Don't forget to capture your spouse's reaction in a picture to relive the moment whenever you need a pick-me-up. Trust us, these ultra-funny marriage jokes will have you and your partner chuckling for days. So what are you waiting for? Let's get this laughter party started!
- Marriages are like gyms. People who are outside want to get in, and those inside want to come out.
- Marriage can be compared to a deck of cards. At first, you just need two hearts and a diamond to start. But as time goes by, you might find yourself wishing for a club and a spade.
- In marriage, it's often said that one person is always right, and that person is usually the wife.
- Why did the married couple go to the gym? Because they wanted a workout that wasn't a fight.
- Who called it "Marriage" and not a "Workshop" where the husband is doing all the work, while the wife shops?
- I asked my wife "Do you ever fantasize about me?". She said she did, but mostly about me doing household chores such as taking out the trash, washing dirty laundry, and doing the dishes.
- A good marriage can be compared to a Lasagna. Those responsible only know what goes in between the layers.
- Marriage is all about compromise. For instance, I let my wife choose where we go on vacation, and she lets me choose where to park the car.
- Suggest to your husband that he's too old for something and watch him do it almost instantly. Always works!
- My spouse and I had a happy life together for 18 years. Then we met.
- My husband decided to share the load and cook every alternative day. The only problem is that on his cooking days, I have to order takeout.
- My wife asked me why I don't kiss her goodbye as our new neighbor does with his wife. I told her, "How can I? I don't even know her!"
- Marriage is when two individuals become one. The real challenge starts when they try to figure out which one.
- Getting married is like waking up from a dreamy sleep and suddenly being hit by a blaring alarm clock that brings you back to reality.
- Marriage is just like dining out at a restaurant. You choose what you want, but the moment you catch a glimpse of your neighbor's dish, you instantly regret not ordering that instead.
- A newly married man always has a big grin on his face, and we all know why. But when a man who's been married for ten years is grinning from ear to ear, we start to wonder what he's up to!
- Before you get married, make sure your eyes are open. But after you get married, you can afford to close one eye and let some things slide.
- If love is a perfectly sweet dream, marriage is that scary alarm clock!
- My wife says I can join the gang, but I'll have to be back home by 9.
- A man approached a stunning woman in the supermarket and said, "Excuse me, I'm lost. Could you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" She replied, "Why?" He said, "That's because whenever I am talking to a woman, my wife magically appears out of nowhere!"
- I really need to pay attention to things. Just today, I found out that my wife and I have been using different names for our cat!
- At any gathering, there are typically two kinds of people: those who want to head back home and those who don't. And the irony is, they're usually married to each other.
- Whenever a husband boasts, "My wife and I are equal partners," he's likely talking about either a law firm or a game of bridge.
- My wife is convinced she can read minds, but she never gets it right. She's a tele-pathetic.
- When my wife asked about my dreams, I excitedly shared my dream about a T-Rex who can't tie a tie, but she wasn't impressed. Apparently, she meant life goals.
- A man is incomplete until he's married, but once he is, he's finished.
- Whenever my wife packs a salad for my lunch, I can't help but wonder what I did wrong.
- The five most crucial words in a healthy marriage are, "I agree with you."
- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. — Rodney Dangerfield
- My doctor suggested I break a sweat every day, so I started lying to my wife.
One Liner Marriage Jokes
31. A retired husband becomes a full-time job for his wife!
32. Marriage is the main cause of divorce.
33. I once asked my spouse what she wanted for her birthday, and she replied, "I don't need anything, but nothing comes close to a diamond necklace". I got nothing for her.
34. My spouse often tells me that I don't listen to her. Although, I'm not entirely sure if that's exactly what she said.
35. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing! That's what happens when you're married for too long.
36. My wife said, "Stop acting like a crane!". I knew I'd had to put a foot down.
37. Marriage is like a roller coaster. One minute you're screaming in terror, the next minute you're laughing your head off.
38. My wife said she needed my help in decorating the Christmas tree. I replied, "I'll go place myself on the tree because I'm a decoration too."
39. You never know what you have until it's gone, and in my case, I never knew what true happiness was until after I got married.
40. My wife and I are clear on this: I don't control her life, and I don't control mine.
41. I am often told, "Marriage is a great institution", but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
42. My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.
43. Why do men experience love at first sight? Because they fall for her as soon as he sees her. Why do women like love at first sight? It saves them time.
44. Marriage is not a word, it's a sentence - a life sentence.
45. Marriage reminds me of a phone call in the night: first comes the ring, then you wake up.
46. One day, as my wife was getting ready, I commented, "Darling, you are drawing your eyebrows too high." She looked surprised.
47. A happy marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
48. Marriage jokes are not simply jokes; you will realize this only after you tie the knot with your beloved.
49. Marriage is finding someone to be annoyed at for your entire life.
50. Marriage is like a game of chess. One wrong move, and you're married.
51. My wife said I'm the cheapest person she's ever met in her life. In shock, I dropped my 10-dollar bill.
52. My husband asked me "Take out the garbage." I replied, "You cooked it, you take it out."
53. Why did the man bring a ladder to his wedding? He wanted to tie the knot.
54. My wife said she wanted to visit an expensive place. So, we visited the gas station.
55. I thought I wasn't good at making decisions, but now I'm not sure. Oh wait, I'm married.
56. The recipe for a good marriage is a sense of humor with a dash of bad memory.
57. Marriage is all about compromise. Like, for example, my wife wants a cat, and I want a divorce.
58. Many people inquire about couples who have been married for more than twenty-five years to know what their secret to success is. But really, it's no secret at all - I'm just a woman who knows how to forgive. Years ago, I forgave my husband for not being Shah Rukh Khan.
59. “Marriage is like a video game. Starts off easy, then gets harder, and eventually you go online and find a way to cheat." — Chris Burns
60. A husband once asked his wife, "What are you searching for in the marriage license?" The wife replied, "Oh, nothing, I'm just looking for an expiration date!"
61. What are the two most valuable possessions of a married man? A shut mouth, so he doesn't say anything stupid, and an open mind, so he can accept that his wife is always right!
62. What did a man eater's wife do when her husband arrived an hour late for dinner? She gave him a cold shoulder.
63. After a graveside service, there was a sudden loud clap of thunder and lightning. A little old man calmly remarked to the pastor, "Looks like she's arrived."
64. When husbands open the car door for their wives, it could mean either the car is new or the wife is.
65. A groom is a multi-talented man, known for his ingenuity, business acumen, intellect, and art appreciation. He's so talented that he can even fake all those qualities.
66. A woman pointed out to me saying "You are wearing the wedding ring on the wrong finger? I replied, "Well, I've also married the wrong man."
67. A man told his wife, "Pack your bags, honey, I just won a million dollars." Wife: "How lovely! So, beaches or the mountains?" The husband: "I don't care, just get out!"
68. A little boy asked his father, "Papa, are marriages a costly affair?" The father replied, "Maybe son, because I'm still paying for mine"
69. Have you ever signed "I agree" without fully reading the Terms of Use on the Internet? Arguing with my wife is quite like that.
Chucklesome Marriage Jokes For Couples
70. Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After a while, you get used to the temperature.
71. How is a wife like bacon? They both look, smell, and taste amazing. They also both slowly kill you.
72. The wife tells her husband, "Let's go out tonight and have some fun". The husband replies, "Okay but if you get back before me, leave the light on."
73. Yesterday, my wife asked me: “Honey, Do you want breakfast?” I replied, “Sure, what are my options?” She replied, “It’s between a Yes and a No.”
74. I told my wife, “I want to be a doer and not a quitter in life.” She said, "Great, start by doing the dishes.
75. Who says there’s no give and take in marital bonds? You give and they take."
76. Wife: "I want you." Husband: "Is that the wine talking?" Wife: "It's me. Talking to the wine."
77. Why did the wife insist on getting married on a Saturday afternoon? So the groom wouldn't have an excuse for missing his favorite football game!
78. I've spent my whole life looking for my wife's killer. But I still haven't found anyone willing to do it.…
79. If I was given a choice between a husband and stilettos, I'd choose stilettos because they tend to last longer.
80. My wife says I have two faults. I have a bad memory, and something else."
81. What do you call a marriage therapist who only works with couples who are avid birdwatchers? A tweetment counselor.
One Liner Wife Jokes
82. My wife said she wants a fairy tale wedding, so I've locked her in a tower until she learns to love me.
83. My wife says that she needs more space. So I locked her outside.
84. As Aristotle said, "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. But marriages are different. That's mostly that is more your wife inhabiting both the bodies.
85. A son asked his Dad, "Dad, I've heard that in some places, the husband doesn't know who their wife is until the marriage." The father replied, "Son, that's true everywhere."
86. A man talking to his friend, "I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months." Friend, "Why not?" The man says "She said she doesn't like to be interrupted"
87. In between a conversation with my wife, this was running on my mind: "This will be recorded for Training and Quality purposes."
88. When my wife blamed me for being immature, I banished her from my pillow fort.
89. Never say, "Calm down," in a soothing voice to an upset wife. That's all it takes to get them a lot more upset.
90. Wife: "Do I look overweight? Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "Your eyesight is impeccable."
91. There isn't another creature that walked on earth, who is as saintly as a woman. Only a woman can forgive you even when you're not guilty!
92. My wife said, "I'm sorry" for the first time in ten years of our marriage. She said, "I am sorry I am married to YOU."
93. I always wanted to marry an Archeologist. The older I would get, the more interested she would become!
94. My wife complained to me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
95. Don't call me a "Yes Man" to my wife. When she says no, I say no too.
96. My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
97. What four-letter words can still shock the most progressive of today's wives? Iron, dust, wash, cook and bake.
98. A lover yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
99. My wife says I'm a know-it-all. I told her I already knew that.
100. When my wife found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.
Funny Husband Jokes
101. I just bought my hubby a "get better soon" card. He is not sick, I just think he can be better.
102. Your husband is the only child who wouldn't grow up and move away.
103. A married man should forget his mistakes. It's no use if two people remember the same thing.
104. A wife divorces her husband when the doctor said "You can no longer touch anything alcoholic."
105. I asked my husband, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' He said, 'Somewhere I have never been!' I told him, 'How about the kitchen?' — Henny Youngman.
106. What's the reason married men can't reach paradise? It's because dragons don't soar beyond 8,000 feet.
107. Anything the husband says after that last word is the beginning of a new argument.
108. The saying goes that husbands are like wine - they begin as grapes, and a woman must stomp hard to transform them into something suitable to have dinner with.
109. Why did the husband cross the road? To prove he wasn't a chicken.
110. Terrorism strikes no fear in my heart. I've been married to a man for 20 years.
111. Arguing with your husband is fun. Even if he wins, he loses.
112. Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
113. A woman put out a classified ad that read, "Husband wanted." The next day, she received a hundred replies, all saying, "You can have mine."
114. Engagement Rings – The world's smallest handcuffs.
115. Girl, you aren't a reform school. Don't marry a man thinking you'll change him.
116. What's left of a lover when the nerves have been extracted - a husband.
117. "The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." — Henny Youngman
118. My worst mistake was to say, “I do.” And I've been doing it all ever since.
119. Scaring men is so easy. Just ask, "Do you remember what day it is, Honey?"
120. My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman. “If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “What would you get?” “A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.” — John Canuteson
Funny Jokes About Marriage for the Newlyweds
121. I can always trust my wife to give me sound advice: Of which 99% is just sound.
122. We pray before consuming our food in this house. Not because we are religious, it's because my spouse's cooking is really that terrible.
123. When I told my wife that she needs to embrace her mistakes, she quickly embraced me.
124. One sure-shot way to lose an argument with your spouse is arguing.
125. Two antennas got married. Their reception was excellent.
126. Our wedding day was a very emotional day, even the cake was in tiers.
127. Two pencils fell in love and are getting married. The groom 2B introduced his bride 2B to his parents.
128. Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
129. What are two spiders who just got married, called? Newly-webs.
130. Two bed bugs were lovers and they decided to get married in the spring.
131. Two cannonballs got married this morning. I heard they are already expecting BBs…
132. They say it's not about who wears the pants in a relationship, but I say it's really about who's got the cash. My wife ensures that my pocket is always full with the monthly allowances I get.
133. Marriage isn't for everybody—men for instance!
134. There are two types of men: Fools and bachelors.
135. Ask a wise man for advice and he'll wisely say, "I don't know... ask my wife."
136. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
137. What's the difference between a marriage and a gym membership? One costs a lot upfront and the other costs a lot in the long run!
138. One's perspective on happy couples or singles changes based on their marital status.
139. To know how "Wife" was created, combine the first two and last two alphabets of the word "Wildlife."
140. Why did the newlyweds go to the beach on their honeymoon? Because they wanted to get some sun and some honeymoon sand-timents!.
141. Try forgetting your wife's birthday once and you'll remember it for a lifetime.
142. There's a major difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
143. Watching your neighbor's kids who look like you is very unsettling.
144. Why did the newlywed couple decide to go to the mountains for their honeymoon? Because they wanted to start their marriage off on a high note!
145. What's the world's most dangerous food - the wedding cake.
146. I was married to a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
147. What do you call a mother-in-law with a sense of humor? A unicorn!
148. The success of a happy marriage: Don't stay home a lot.
149. My wife is on a fruit diet. Guess what her favorite fruit is: NaashPati!
150. If you want to know about mistakes, you should ask your wife!
151. I am the boss of the house. My wife is just a decision-maker.
These 151 hilarious marriage jokes can bring some much-needed humor into your life and make those grumpy family events more bearable. Share these funny couple jokes with your partner and get ready for some serious laughs that will last for days, and maybe even create your own inside jokes. So, let's enjoy the lighter side of life and get ready to LOL!
ALSO READ: 65+ Best Funny Jokes to Tell Your Friends to Make Them Laugh Uncontrollably
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